Posted by: Mad Ness Monster | 06/27/2009

“Epic” review

(5/5/03)

The word “Epic” doesn’t cover the half of it.  This is still one of the strangest movies I’ve ever reviewed.  To this day, I’m not sure I wasn’t hallucinating this whole thing.

I bought it at the late, lamented Quincy Square Buck-a-Book, which used to be an excellent source for snark bait.  Basically this movie is about two Cave-people kids who are raised by “Dingoes” (they look more like wolves) and go on a quest to find the Meaning of Life. Along the way they meet the Devil, some whacked-out vaguely dinosaur-like animals, and some troll things with six eyes. There is much stock footage and public-domain classical music, and the characters are actually drawn over the stock footage.
Okay, I don’t think there’s much of a chance of anyone ever seeing this movie, but if you see it for sale anywhere, go for it. It is the most seriously messed up movie you could ever hope to run into.
It’s worth it just to watch the Fire Dance scene.

The Best Parts:
5 minutes in – Okay, this is the longest creation myth EVER!!!
7 minutes in – Animated characters over a live-action background? I guess “Disney’s Dinosaur” wasn’t so revolutionary after all. (Of course, nobody ever said it was.)
10 minutes in – This goes against pretty much everything I’ve ever heard about dingoes.
20 minutes in – BARNEYKEET!!!
28 minutes in – Oh, that can’t be good…
29 minutes in – THE FIRE DANCE!!!!!
41 minutes in – The fire demon and the water being fight!
49 minutes in – Luna’s just going to leave Sol to drown?
51 minutes in – The three-eyed trolls awaken the wind creature, a sort of dragon/vacuum cleaner combination. Meanwhile, Sol is still drowning.
53 minutes in – SOMNAMBULANT PTEROSAUR!!!
60 minutes in (the finale)- What in the hell just happened???

Classic Lines of Dialogue:
“Dingoes have lived on this continent for thousands of years, and they are one of mankind’s best friends.” – the Narrator (John Huston, please note)
“The same wind that makes music also moves the clouds and spreads the seeds around.” – Narrator
“It’s so pretty! It’s like the stars and the sun!” – Sol starts the Fire Dance!
“Ah yes, Sol and Luna. You can dance in your dreams and play. But the time has come to choose whether you will go back to your fellow humans or stay with us! If you wish to stay, you must first go out into The World and find the Secrets of Life!” – the King of the Dingoes
“WOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!” – the Wind Creature

Things I Learned from this Movie/Book/Whatever:
* – Prehistoric Australia was largely inhabited by invisible sheep (listen closely to the soundtrack).
* – Satan hates dogs. :(
* – Some caves are home to six-eyed trolls, dragon/vacuum cleaners, and big blue Cyclops… um… things.
* – Clouds are a manifestation of the devil!!!
* – Pterosaurs could sleep on the wing, like Swifts.
* – Dingoes disintegrate when they die.
* – Public domain classical music is the independent filmmaker’s friend.
* – Too many shots of these characters running away from us and it starts to look like they’re humping whatever is in the stock footage background.
* – I would have loved to have been on the effects team of this movie. Throwing big rocks into the river where Sol and Luna are supposed to be swimming and whatnot.

Things That Can Save Any Movie:
Cool Creatures?
Six-eyed trolls, freaky elemental beings, Barneykeet, and the Somnambulant Pterosaur.
Good Soundtrack? Fine if you like public domain music.
Hot Guys? No. Every person and creature in this movie was beaten with an ugly stick.
Pretty Scenery? Not exactly pretty, but it is unusual.
Nifty Animation/Special Effects? No way.

Drinking Game Potential? I suppose you could chug anytime Sol and Luna dance around.

Head Movie Potential? There aren’t enough drugs in the world.

Rating: Jordan rating (3)
A solid Jordan. I got well over three dollars worth of entertainment out of this thing.

Credits
A movie made in 1983 (or, rather, MCMLXXXIII) by Yoram Gross Film Studio and Epic Productions PTY. LTD. Released in the United States by Family Home Entertainment in 1987. Written and directed by Yoram (“Dot and the [Enter Endangered Australian Species Here]” series) Gross and based upon one of his own stories. I gotta give Yoram credit for having the guts to even pitch this idea, let alone have it made into a movie.
Related Links
IMDB page
Commercial on YouTube -Boy, I’m happy this was uploaded and I hope they never take it down.  Now I have proof that this movie is real.  You can see some of the animated characters on real backgrounds effects and -best of all- a small part of the Fire Dance.


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